RoBerTo's Grand Adventure
by JohnathanC.SparkleBerry
Summary: These are the stories of three men, stuck in a universe controlled by fujoshi. Crack fic. Chapters mainly  have nothing to do with each other, mainly drabbles. T for innuendos and stuff along those lines.
1. Where the Hell is that Plumber?

Roberto's Grand Adventure.

Germany was sitting on his couch one day, minding his own business, eating wurst, when something crossed his mind.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS ITALY?" Germany yelled. His older brother Prussia flew through the floor with a mini skirt, and Canada plush doll.

"You lost him!" Prussia asked, shocked that the Italian was nowhere to be found. As the two were catching flies due to their mutual shock, a NINJA flew through . The two men looked at the ninja, then back to each other, then back to the ninja, then back to each other. Sadly, they aren't ninjas, but if they would stop eating all those wurst and got off their asses, the could sort of be like a ninja.

"Italy's not here" The ninja said, he clapped his hands together yelling "Moon prism power no jutsu!" and the ninja turned out to be Japan.

"Oh hey Japan! Fancy seeing you here! You know where that ninja went?" Prussia and all his awesomeness asks.

"We have no idea where Italy is. If he isn't here, he's usually with you. He couldn't possibly be at his own house." Germany says

"Yes, it is strange. I've sent my home's greatest warriors to look for him." Japan says

"Your samurai?" Germany asks. Prussia was still looking for the ninja.

"No, a group of teenage girls with special abilities and tiny mini skirts" Japan says with a blank stare… he wasn't joking. Before Germany could ask more about the tiny mini skirts, Italy popped out of a portrait of wurst with a red plumber outfit on.

"IT'S-A ME! ITALY!" The Italian yells. Germany looks to Japan for an answerer.

"Time to call of my mini skirt brigade." Japan says pulling out the phone of tomorrow of today.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT NINJA!" Prussia asks his Canada plush doll.


	2. A Tale of Three Kingdoms

Once upon a time, in a far away kingdom, there was an Italian prince named Feliciano. In a closer kingdom, there was a princess named Ludwig. In the middle was a kingdom that did not use the terms prince and princess, but emperors (and whatever the heck was in that group of people), the emperor's son who's name was Kiku. Kings Rome and Germania wanted the Asian prince(or whatever the emperor's son would be called) for their own youngest child. Emperor Wang Yao was willing to wed off Kiku because he had so many freaking children… That man (who was very feminine) was like a Asian breeding machine. He had a kid from Hong Kong, Taiwan, Vietnam, Thailand, both Koreas, and Kiku who was from Japan. Geographically, this story is probably very incorrect, but no one really cares, unless you stare at maps all day laughing at how Canada is on top, and how without Norway, the Nordic map looks wrong… really? You do that? Okay whatever…

The two kings arranged a meeting with the emperor of whatever this story is calling the kingdom… empireWHATEVER!

"My son should wed the prince! He is obviously cuter and Italian! In heaven the Italians are your lovers so it is only fair!" King Rome said. King Germania slapped him.

"My son should wed the prince. He looks good in pink and would get along better with your family." King Germania said. Emperor Wang Yao pondered for a long time before he spoke.

"I will let Kiku decide aru" The Emperor said, calling over one of his servants to go get Kiku. This servant was not thrilled with the whole idea of a wedding. His name was Heracles, built like Greek god… BECAUSE HE WAS! I know! What a twist!… Well a demigod, but still. No he wasn't the Heracles that had all that god like strength, throughout history, people have gotten the two mixed up. The one with god like strength was actually named Steve. Heracles had the ability to sex with ANYONE. However, Kiku was special. He was somehow immune to Heracles sex waves. Heracles went to the god counsel to try and figure it out and apparently it was the evil working of MAGICAL COCK BLOCKING.

"Kiku. Your broth- fath- Your mother wants to see you" Heracles said as he entered the room where Kiku was reading hard yaoi doujinshi cleverly(cough NOT cough) disguised as an atlas.

"Thank you Heracles, but before we go see my mother, would you like to make out feverously while there is no one looking?" Kiku asked. Obviously Heracles's magical sex rays have some sort of effect. Somewhere on the other side of the empyreal palace, the prince and the princess were waiting on news from their fathers.

"What do you think the prince or whatever they call an emperor's son, looks like?" Feliciano asked Ludwig, who was wearing an army uniform, because he could. He had a cute ping hairpin on the side of his head to show he was technically a princess. Feliciano wore a sexy Italian made suit… because he could.

"The correct gender for the role in his royal family he is" Ludwig replied.

"Ve~ Why are you a princess anyway, you're like one of the manliest people I've ever seen" Feliciano asks the princess

"My father was drunk(because we're German)when he was filling out the birth registration thing." Ludwig says annoyed that the Italian was just randomly talking to him, still, it had to be better than his older brother and his invisible wife…. Poor delusional Gilbert… and that floating polar bear.

"Ve? Couldn't he of changed that? He is the king after all, right?" The Italian asked

"Apparently the woman who gave birth to me liked the idea of having a daughter." Ludwig replied, "She's dead now due to unimportance to the story"

"Hey, you two. Your fathers want you so you can meet the prince or whatever the emperors son is called" a random unimportant person, even less important than Sealand, told them.

"Humph. Where is he aru?" Wang Yao asked no one in particular.

"Maybe he got suck in traffic" Rome said

"Maybe you were dropped on your head when you were young." Germania said.

"Ve? Where's the prince or whatever you call the-" Feliciano started

"I think we've said that enough for people to realize that the author doesn't know what the Asia royal family heads are called or if she cares about the fourth wall." Ludwig finished. Feliciano Ve-ed in response.

"Kon'nichiwa haha ga, anata wa watashi o sansho shite kudasai shitaidesu ka? (Hello mother, you wanted to see me?)" Kiku walked out of a random door near Yao's throne… or whatever emperors sit on… I think it's a throne…

"If he doesn't choose my son or the princess, can I marry him?" Rome asked, just staring at Kiku who hid behind Yao a little.

"No aru, Germania has first dibs" Yao said

"I didn't call dibs" Germania says

"That's why you get first dibs aru" Yao says.

"What if I don't want to get married to anyone?" Kiku asks

"The only thing that will stop you from getting married to one of your suitors is if a full fledged Greek god, not a demigod, came and asked for your hand in marriage... Aru." Yao said. Heracles over herd this and decided to think it over in a nap. But this story isn't about him, so we're gonna go back to the main characters… Yeah, I killed the fourth wall a long time ago.

"Ciao! I am Feliciano Vargas! It's nice to meet you! You're a lot prettier than most of the girls that I know back home!" Feliciano says bluntly.

"Um… thank you? Kiku says, confused on how he should react.

"Hallo, I'm Ludwig, nice to meet you I guess" Ludwig says, not really caring

"Nice to meet you too" Kiku says calmly.

"Okay, cut the chit chat and go hang out with your suitors aru!" Yao says shoving Kiku towards the two Europeans.

Heracles awoke somewhere dark, and kind of creepy… and no it wasn't Turkey's basement. He looked around for some sort of escape or living being.

"Heracles!" A woman's voice shouted out.

"Yes?" Heracles replied monotone

"It is I! Ancient Greece… and by that I mean your mother!" The woman's voice said.

"Oh… Hey mom, what's up?" Heracles asked not rally caring.

"I'm the parent that you get your god like powers from" She said

"Mother! I must find a way to become a full fledged god, so the love of my life wont have to marry some European dude!" Heracles said urgently

"Yes, I know. You must find the seven golden shrines of MICRON and defeat the guardians of Sprite and receive the seven magical things of Ring pops!" Heracles's mother said as the author of this story looked around the computer room for things to name the things listed.

"But how will I defeat them? All I can do is make someone want to have sex-…. Wow… this is going to suck…" Heracles said. A small box fell onto his head.

"It's dangerous to go alone. Take this!" Mama Greece said as Heracles looked at the box of condoms. He tossed them away.

"I don't need condoms… they're stupid! Hear that kids! Condoms suck and just feel like your putting plastic wrap over your peninsula!" Heracles yelled out to no one. His mother (if she had been there) was dead panning. AND SO! HERACLES WENT OFF TO GO _S_LAY the whatever the hell his mother said... that was a silent S.

"So…. Anybody else have this strange feeling that someone who's kind of important to the story is having sex with a bunch of strange things to try and win someone's hand in marriage?" Feliciano asks

"In any normal situation, I would slap you, but I feel it too…" Ludwig says, cringing slightly.

"I feel it as well" Kiku says.

"Well… I hope he took protection!" Feliciano said.

AND THAT IS THE END OF THIS GLORIOUS TALE. UNTIL NEXT TIME


	3. ATOTK Fourth Wall Destroyed

The Forth Wall Means Nothing

And now, the conclusion…

So the three teens sat in a meadow, talking about the strange feeling they had about the random dude who's kind of important to the story sleeping with a bunch of different things.

"Ve~ It's staring to feel a little creepy, can we change the subject?" Feliciano asked

"Ja, subject change is good" Ludwig says

"Hai… So what are your homes like?" Kiku asks

"Ve~ My home is full of amazing sights, and great food! Beautiful women too, but you're a lot cuter~" Feliciano says, Kiku blushes hard at that statement.

"…What about you Ludwig?" Kiku asks, directing his attention to the German.

"We have beer and wurst, what more do you need?" Ludwig asks.

"Someone to love~" Feliciano says sighing cutely.

"Hai. Love is something you can't live without." Kiku smiles.

"Haven't you ever loved someone?" Feliciano asked, remembering his first love.

"Well… Long ago, there was this girl I liked. She worked for my nanny Rod.… I don't remember my childhood all to well, sorry" Ludwig says, trying to search his memories for the girl he used to love. "I had to leave, then there was an attack… all I know is that I never saw her again"

At this, the author, who still does not care about the fourth wall by the way, looked at what she has written thus far and realized 'Like, WTF? Where the fuck is my crack?' so she dug into her box of left over candy canes and went to town on this.

While the princess was brooding, the Italian was Ve-ing, and the overused joke from last chapter was reading the atmosphere, in the background was someone singing.

"_I'm in looove! With a fairy taaale! Even thooough~ It huuuuurts~! And I don't caaaare! If I lose my miiind! I'm alreaaaaady cuuuursed~ oh~" _

"What the fuck?" Ludwig asked as he looked for the source of the singing. It was a Norwegian male. From Norway… and he was cute. But he was totally dating a man from Denmark.

"Oh yes, my brother slash father slash mother hired him to make our home seem less boring." Kiku says, taking a sip of tea from a cup that just magically appeared, because he was a ninja, but that isn't much of a plot twist, because it's cannon.

Back with Heracles~

"WHERE THE FUCK DO I PUT IT!"

Back to the important people~

"Yo! Ki-Ki! It's dinner time!" A man with a really awesome fly away hair with a face in it(Seriously dude! It has a fucking face in it! Is that not BAD ass! Even people who have no idea what the author who STILL doesn't care about the fourth wall think it's friggen BAD ASS! Author lady's friend forced her to draw the hair. JUST THE FUCKING HAIR! YAY KOREA!) says in an ADHD manner… Although it was a lot less ADHD than the author.

"Oh, thank you for telling us that Yong Soo, and thanks for not-AH!" Kiku was groped. HARD. He enjoyed it, you know he did. Yong Soo didn't let go. OH YES INCEST-ERRRRR… FORGET WHAT YOU'VE JUST READ! The author is a freak. You've had to have figured this out by now.

"Oh Ki-Ki, don't you love how the fourth wall means absolutely nothing to the author?" Yong Soo asks

"What? Fourth wall? I don't understand what you're talking about… and could you let go of my chest?" Kiku asks his younger brother.

"No" Yong Soo smiles

"Ve? What's a fourth wall? Feliciano looks to Ludwig

"The very thin line between a story and reality. Like if a character acts as if they know they're in a story… but this guy is obviously a loon" Ludwig says. He stares at you for a moment, "What?" he mumbles.

Crashing noise

"What was that!" Yong Soo yelled, grabbing his brother's chest harder.

"Ow! Yong Soo, let go!" Kiku demanded. Yong Soo obeyed. They look up to the sky as a storm beaks out. The four get back to the palace and look up into the sky.

Back with Heracles~

"I'm done, Mother! can I be a god now?" Heracles asks the sky.

"My son. Something terrible has happened. One, The God of shota molestation that isn't a creepy Spaniard, Sadiq has deceived us. Apparently, sleeping with all those things had nothing to do with your quest! Sorry about that. Another thing. The area around the palace you were serving in had gone corrupt. An evil force has destroyed the fourth wall. Soon, reality and fiction will clash, and all we know will be eradicated, unless you can find the Thread of Fresca, and stitch the fabric of time and space back together! Take this Tardis! A man who is a Doctor uses it to fix time and space, I don't think he'll mind if you borrow it!" Mama Greece says to her son.

"Where do I find the Thread of Fresca?" Heracles asked, getting tired, cause it was about his nap time.

"You must go find the goddess of Frying Pans, who is also the goddess of stalking men waiting for them to do inappropriate things together! So it should be easy to find her! She will direct you to the shrine of One Thousand Ponies. You must find the golden pony, and it will give you the thread! Now hurry! Or else you'll actually be able to notice those weird chicks watching you!" Mama Greece says

"What?" Heracles asks

"Nothing… Now go!" Mama Greece says somehow shoving her son into the Tardis.

WILL HERACLES FIND THE GOLDEN PONY?

WILL HE SAVE HIS LOVE?

WILL THE FOURTH WALL BE RESTORED?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

Yes, I lied about this being the conclusion. MUAHAHAHAHAH!


	4. ATOTK Fourth Wall Restored?

"So… you choose who your gonna marry yet?" Rome asked the small Japanese boy.

"There's a huge storm outside, the fourth wall has been desiccated, we can all potentially die, and your asking about who I'm gonna marry!" Kiku exclaims

"Well I want grandchildren… and if we're all gonna die, I at least want a son in law" Rome says pouting.

"Ludwig's a princess… you would like him more…" Germania says quietly, but still loud enough for Kiku to hear.

"You too?" Kiku says, annoyed.

"Well, I wanted grandchildren too aru" Yao says sheepishly.

"I'm a man! I don't have female reproductive organs! I can't have children!" Kiku yells

"I had you didn't I!" Yao yells

"…YOU'RE A MAN!" Kiku retorts, obviously confused.

"…I'm so glad I'm not the only one who thought Aniki was a woman…" Yong Soo says.

"Everything I know is a lie." Kiku says, "What next, Heracles is going to have to find a yaoi obsessed goddess to find a giant group of ponies to somehow fix the space time continuum?"

WITH HERACLES~

"Oh yes, how I love the same gender as I and I am male! If only the world weren't about to end so I can save the MAN I love but alas, me and my extreme GAYNESS will perish ALONE." Heracles acted out… badly.

"Yaoi!" A woman popped out of nowhere. She was tall, wore green and had flowers in her hair.

"Uhhh… Are you the Goddess of Stalking Attractive Men while waiting for them to do inappropriate things together?" Heracles asked

"Yes, and you are?" The goddess asks

"I am Heracles, Demigod of making anyone want to sleep with me… other than Kiku…" Heracles says, the goddess quirks an eyebrow at the gender neutral name.

"He's male. So, can you tell me where the shrine of a thousand ponies is?" Heracles asks

"Oh, the shrine is just to your left" The woman says, "And if you don't mind, get a picture of you and your boyfriend for me after you save the world"

"Uhh, sure? Just to my- I was standing right next to it… wow." Heracles says

"You must be really slow." The goddess says

"I've just slept with several different things, I think it gave me brain damage" Heracles says, his eye twitching.

"I sup- Hey the fourth wall hasn't been broken as much as the past two chapters! That's a good sign!… wait" The goddess says, quickly realizing a flaw in her statement, "Just go"

BACK WITH PEOPLE THE STORY IS NAMED AFTER~ _Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert you!~_

"VE~ NOT THE RICK ROLL!" Feliciano yelled in horror.

"WHAT THE HELL IS HETALIA!" Ludwig yells at a random computer that was on the Hetalia rated M section of fan fiction dot net… ever been there? Sexy huh?

"It means useless Italy" Kiku says

"What? But Italy is the best place ever! It was made from ROME! The greatest nation ever!" Rome says, "How could it be useless!"

"Well, it talks about Italy's contribution to- This is breaking the fourth wall even more you realize? If you want to know more, read the manga"

"MaNga!" a man with a mask pops up out of no where. Unknown to random hobos, this man was the God of Shota Molestation that wasn't Spain! This man was secretly stalking Kiku for a while now, wishing to make Honda his bride in the underworld.

"Not the band Sadiq san." Kiku says, creeped out a bit.

"Oh… well, any who. With Heracles out of the palace, I can finally carry out my 36 year plan!" Sadiq says.

"What plan aru?" Yao asks, steeping closer to his brother, son, whatever he was to him.

"Well, you see, I over heard your conversation from chapter two, and I think it's time I should act. Why wasn't I mentioned until last chapter and not actually used until the nearing end of the story? The author didn't think of it yet." Sadiq say walking over to Kiku, with a perverted smile on his face, that was also his normal smile BTW.

"Ve… this guy creeps me out." Feliciano says clinging onto the princess.

"Ja, me too" Ludwig says holding the small man.

"okay, so I over heard you two say that if Kiku failed to choose one of those two, only a god could take their place. Well, I'm the God of Shota Molestation who isn't Spain. And I want you to be my bride, because there's no way Heracles will complete his task on time" Sadiq says

"W-what does Heracles have anything to do with this?" Kiku asks

"Heracles is a demigod, his ability is ultra sex appeal, yet somehow you are immune. But, he is a demigod. Not a full fledged god. So I'm here to take your hand in marriage, where we can live forever in my underworld abode!" Sadiq says grabbing Kiku and holding him close

"No way! I would never let my brother marry someone like you aru!" Yao say grabbing a wok

"Sorry, but you no longer have any choice in the matter. You see, HE HAS ALREADY EATEN THE POMEGRANATE!" Sadiq yells, random thunder crashing in the background.

"What, I never-owmf!" Sadiq shoved a pomegranate in Kiku's mouth. With that, Sadiq made a flashy exit with his new bride.

"NO!… aru" Yao says, as they poofed away, "Aiya! What do we do now! That pervert has my only brother!"

"You still have me aniki!" Yong Soo says

"My only brother aru!" Yao says, ignoring Yong Soo.

"I FEEL LIKE CANADA!" Yong Soo yells stomping off.

"Did someone mention my wife who isn't invisible!" a random voice asks. A ray of awesome reflected off of this man.

"Bruder, what are you doing with that flashlight?" Ludwig asks

"Well sis, I heard that Kiku was in trouble! And in Japanese fandom, JapanxPrussia is popular, but the author prefers Giripan and PruCan so awesome me and Kiku are somehow secretly best friends!" Gilbert says

"Ve~ She's just pulling things out of her ass now, isn't she?" Feliciano asks. Yes. Yes I am.

"I was approached by a goddess! She threatened me with a frying pan to make sure Kiku was safe so Heracles can come and sweep him off his feet when he returns as a god!… So… where is he?" Gilbert asks

"He just got kidnapped…..aru" Yao says.

"…Elizibeta is going to kill me. I'M TOO AWESOME TO DIE!" Gilbert yells. He gets slapped by a magical force.

"You're way to full of yourself, eh." The invisible force of something says.

"Ve! The palace is haunted! This is worse than the Rick Roll!" Feliciano says clinging to Ludwig. The strange invisible entity rolled it's eyes

"Mattie's not invisible!" Gilbert says

"Who?" Everyone asks, including a floating polar bear

"West! You were my best man at the wedding!" Gilbert says, "You guys aren't being awesome!"

"I think it's about time for a scene transition" The invisible force of who? Says

"Ve? What-

BACK WITH HERACLES

"Hello? Golden pony! Where are you!"

IN THE UNDERWORLD!

"You're insane" Kiku says, pouting cutely.

"Come on! I got you a nice wedding dress! What more do you want?" Sadiq asks

"Heracles" Kiku says

"GOD! Jeez… fine, I'll let you in on a secret. I. Am Heracles'-!"

"If you say father in a reference to star wars like I know the author is dyeing to do, I will stab you." Kiku glares at the masked rapisty man.

"…. I'll wait until the climax of the story then…hehe.. Climax." The creepy god dude says.

"I think we're going to have another scene transition" Kiku says looking of into no where

"OH YES! OFF SCREEN FUN TIME!"

WITH MR. SEXY PANTS… or lack there of…

"SIR! Why do they call you Mr. Sexy Pants if you have no pants?" A young person asked

"Well, I'm Spanish. I'm the God Shota Molestation who IS Spain. How old are you?"

"Nineteen?"

"too old… got a younger brother?" :D

NOW TO SOMEONE SEXIER

"Get on with the story already! I want to see Heracles kick some ass and save his boyfriend! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some attractive men to stalk"

JEEZ. NO NEED TO GET BITCHY

"OH! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS!"

BITCH BRING IT!

"_Uhhh, can we get on with the story?"_

GOD! FINE! BACK WITH HERACLES!

"…What the hell was that?… whatever…" Heracles continued his search for the pony.

"_NEEEEIH~" _A majestic sound came to Heracles. Heracles looked over to where the neigh sounded. It was the Golden Pony, and in its mouth was the Thread of Fresca.

"Yo. Magic pony. I can has thread plz?" Heracles asks in LOLCat fashion.

"_Yes, son of Greece. Now go kick some ass" _The Pony says as the thread floated off to Heracles.

"Thank you Golden Pony!" Heracles took the thread and ran to the TARDIS, warping to the sky where the fourth wall was coming apart.

BACK WITH THE OTHER PEOPLE THAT HAVE KIND OF GOTTEN NEGLECTED IN THE PAST FEW PARTS

"… WE NEED TO SAVE KIKU!" Feliciano bursts out

"YEAH! If we do that I might have a chance of not getting killed by creepy goddesses who fight with the narrator!" Gilbert says

"Ja, If we work together we might be able to help finish the story line before the author removes this part of the story and just makes this a separate Giripan story" Ludwig says

"Hey guys, where's Kiku" Heracles asks as he randomly pops out of nowhere.

"….GOTT VERDAMMT!" Gilbert says.

"He got kidnapped aru! By that dude who lurks around when Kiku takes a bath aru!" Yao says waving his arms around frantically.

" Sadiq Adan! My mortal enemy! Is that spelling right?" Heracles shouts out

"I thought you fixed the fourth wall aru." Yao asks as Heracles glares forward

"I did. But this time, it's personal."

_Oh my god when will this end! Find out next time on part 3 of "A tale of Three Kingdoms", sub plot extraordinaire._

_

* * *

_Yeah, there's gonna be ANOTHER part of this thing. I wan't to get back to random drabbles, I have no idea how it started but it's kind of funny. I promise next time Italy and Germany will have more screen time.


End file.
